Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We are all done wearing pants today
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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