I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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