Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
