so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
