If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
even my farts smell like vagina
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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