K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I cockslap morals
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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