mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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