I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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