When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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