Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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