i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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