yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
