i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
