who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
