She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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