Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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