how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
