god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
