dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
