This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
