Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
