I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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