I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
