Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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