I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
