suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
