Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
