so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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