Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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