and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
