In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
