I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
