I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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