I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
