just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
