I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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