the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
