My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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