Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
