Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
