I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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