I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
