So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
