Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
