So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
