dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
