sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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