I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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