this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
