She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can text with my tongue
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
