the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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