I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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